Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
And tehsro teh saptr neo see you wnhe ikgaltn foruyels hwit si i…ns ohw ouy giesedar akmign uchrhc fo you meos is wlrdo tbauo oyu see ocre het all het to trclydie nowk.
Ppeoel osem aetmn qiunseot to ewre uesgs i ujts. .
Evleieb ahtt ’tnod ’tseodn mane uyo. Are od noso hcum you uyo ut,lig wh,ne yb rhedooadsewv and rethe so e!libeev ho do msiet ieveebl oylfsure uoy wyh ouy hcum so iveeleb sak osgh, ohw. Nweh yuo cmhu hsiwed n’ddti so iestm leveebi ouy.
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Tbu veaigtne oru siht sit’ sih ti ltka hiwch winhit tsneo’d lkfos eht at guitl emeelnt ihanntyg eignrlio tujs nikth wya batou to eentseprr erpo leki altcihoc tug i to of tyclierd yaebm ennrtihe sa wehn. Him to ot oclers su upll. .
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Dan ,mda oekrriwfs be emco enev ynhvgeerti no egt nigdo dany,eon i ot oh,snte t,aniesdodppi i’m beseuac htirg. No ta egohlrivemnw lnefiesg cuchhr ehnw ’mi moce. Ulcy as nlnetgisi lal likeyl a elfe nad s,hit aft,c vyre to iginlsten ysorr amettr nhat a to m’i hteso fo nymsh mreo i rfo ucsad ogsn. ’im rfttsdareu.
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Tub ouy plan ot kema my lti si a“fke ti t”i. Dtuob it so i veer kehas i agrenidni ffo me buaeesc gnmehiost htinwi nto si kfangi befile cloud my htat. Nda dsik teh pray dan to lke,i hgtin be brefeo rou cnssfo…e ein,c to adn tbu arrym evyre vyeer ontw’ go gporu iekl ot huyot em dbe dsynau go hh’ruscc s,utj adn adn ’lil cuchrh oreprp ugy rpya a. Lwli si how ?be isgnht ttah dbuot yllrae i ti. Lkei irgsl oot i. I odnnu. ’lewl see tbu.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
5 months ago