September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Hitw oe'uvy hhurgto hmi nebe. Eernit yb nmoht dan iptr eagp, tish it a yuo mih kewe na(d okto gkeonewl- oard swa is) a aretf rweot to still flie uyo ertte,l ,raf the esbt fo htiw uroy. Tusj tiknh. . . An pgae u,yo smto wthi eht uoy eth nieret ovel haorc, juts poelep dna eewk. Aobut klat a merda. .
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Ot a illtet etratds iftrd ibt atht oyu freat. And uto to dle leif whcih adme in cdoinsei ihm cgtintu ouy of psidtu a ihs mebeecr,d uyo aerlt. Ikle sutj taht. Iegfnel lsitl o,h het reeemrbm i. Wev'e soetcls nbee ctaakt hte to a ti was reve cianp olbpyrab. Swa it uhcirgsn. ,ebearth klei ruyo dna was hegu brstu tino obss ethsc mhtingose dna dan rouy kesne lla no weka jsut ouy 'clndout etnw uyo. You hte oyu hda dngrou ,rsheow i seioiptv am eht wloud ni nto and ebne ot enllaf eahv. Ti ssudno ti saw acuebse so amtracid. .
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No,w ti zenaigirl ouy wihttou amorttnpi oyu vhea uoy cdulo to on ttha he hwo eadi evne ahev bocmee. Ni was rhete ckba nkscu he of yuor it uoyr pu eeedrcnis ikel eth nad erhta msiispnero koto doro htwoiut. Uyo of ekat mih uknsch whti ruseaqtt dmoev swa ot he it ruoy konw he no a nddti' hrate aedmagn inltu gheu adn nda.
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Iyhdatbr mhi saw het atsl yoru mtei you was. Sih uyo ckab lal mih otko insght fo. Eht pendoe rood teh otko nad secldo bo,x hsi o,dor he. Atht was it. .
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Hntosm het rwee to hrad os oflwol. Been rof leomlcepty ta to angrhseitt dosesnici arngy nmgkia tehra ncgira wthi ahtt dna had ta ofr dba it, fryelsou dan dna eenv ewer yagnr ouyr cmhu uyo ofr thsr,eated inbge hmi. .
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Ot sa escexu lyylsaipch mih ealve gnaevli na uoy ueds ynlaimotole. Yaaw ran uoy. Ntbweee nra, aazinro ilta uory sgle, to. Ltfe ider seocnd dan wonrg atth veeyr fo tnair. Ereh, of o'reyu idas ot ehav the ask og adn he nfdreis reev lhdous abck ctnfaasti nibge uoy two to 'yoreu nwo mte,i no nda uoyr cldou on ianvgh a eri'stss dna dihbayrt you if ouy tdeetx. .
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Uoy a tyr ti aws horwt sida. Uyo eitdr. Nwo euoy'r ngaai igfntdri. Ot do 0200, miles oknw wlil taht dsripfeh,in oyu a. Yteh tcnotac ot ebryla veli eor,th eerw eth oyu ebofer ehva antcon tginsh tihw aceh onw go akcb ttha yaw to uoy fcta eth nda. Ubt ognl a adrwn frmero aerhrt dna udo'y whit uy'oll way y,naaysw aulfnip yeabm fo a het heav nda ahnt tnhngoi in ellhs hrnpdf,esii edn ahtt up otu. .
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Ouy nghsit did the darh a,yw char do yslwaa.
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Tou neewebt otw isht rtdnue ma ywa oyrsr ondeyb oyu gnhtis i of het tath. Oslu rldhya os graps it wsa ryou tefiubula hwti oludc yoru hmi tiseghomn fisrdinhpe. It asw dna oyddsreet. .
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Srroy m'i. Olve i uoy. Etiyvhgren eh arde atenm nad preeaticadp him glad hucm you ma i woh to to uoy. And ertnpnmiame eifl ear 'sti popele so nad iassointtu nu,nyf hwo. .
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Yuo dcuol wihs kbca i i go to. Wthi o,cnut i ot sihw so eson uyo etll ervey emka vaeh mledtii rea him oldcu esoncd hte oyu baecues i. .
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'im orsry.

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